I wish I could teleport
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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