there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
