he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
