we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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