i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
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Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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