dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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