he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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