I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
