he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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