Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I did not marry a roomba.
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