please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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