Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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