hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
