i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
