You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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