I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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