Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
