I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
