Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
