in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Oh god it's open bar.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize