she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
