HIV tests are more positive than that guy
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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