Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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