I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
