just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
