i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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