In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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