I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
