I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
