So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
