I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
