Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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