That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
