he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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