I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
