fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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