New invention idea: vibrating tampons
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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