apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
