I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
