It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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