this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
