The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
