Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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