I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
