I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
