i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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