I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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