I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
