Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
