he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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