I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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