By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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