I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
