the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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