why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
FUCK WHALES
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
