listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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