She is in my trunk
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
